Doggism

 

The oldest archeological record of a dog dates back 14,700 years. Domestication is calculated to have taken place 9,000 years ago at the earliest. Throughout history, dogs have been defined in many different ways. Military prowess was the favorite feature of dogs according to Mark Twain, for example, which he expounded beautifully when saying that "it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." Others have preferred to highlight the innate psychotherapeutic abilities of canines, like Jill Abramson, who said "a dog can snap you out of any kind of bad mood that you're in faster that you can think of." And, finally, some others have pinpointed our ability to apply the abstract deductive method to generate general theories of economic thought, as it is the case of William Butler Yeats and his question, i.e. "but was there ever a dog that praised his fleas? "

 

The love for dogs dates back to the first heartbroken man who said "fuck this shit" and, instead of pairing up with another human of the opposite sex, decided to share his life with a dog. It is no wonder that among aboriginal populations of Oceania a very cold night is referred to as "three dog night", meaning that no matter how good a shag can be, when the going gets tough the tough choose to sleep with dogs (regardless of the danger of fleas). One's partner is not too efficient at fetching game? Fear not, as the early Siberian tribes knew when they hunted with the aid of dogs. Or, who hasn't felt the frustration of doing a house moving all by himself while the missus watches "Expensive Yet Useless Prostitute Wives of Beverly Hills"? A dime a dozen. Apache suffered from the same plight, and dogs were their team members of choice when it was time to migrate into warmer climates.

 

There is no human historical precursor of dogs as domesticated animals. The indisputable fact is that dogs were the first animals to be invited to the table of humanity. The advantages were, are and will remain evident. On one side, dogs benefit from living among humans by increased safety, a more appropriate diet, and spare time to hump bitches. Not least of the advantages, dogs do like raw meat but a well grilled steak is not to be frowned upon. As for humans, having a dog near improves sanitation, warmth during cold season, protection, but, most importantly, as referred above, our keen nose for detecting, diagnosing, and treating human depression is a scientific fact.

 

While the advantages of human-dog friendship are out there for everyone to see, there are certain disadvantages to be considered. The most important is the gradual detachment from the need of a companion of the opposite sex, making dogs the worst enemy of wandering females attempting to detect a man well positioned within a dominance hierarchy and who, in exchange for random provision of poontang, feed themselves from the fruits of a mans labor. While this is not a disadvantage per se, in the long run it can create obesity, acne, resentment from living in mom's basement well beyond the limits of mental health, and a strange addiction to Japanese animation. This is where humans ought to detect the wisdom oozing from the pores of dogs (situated underneath our coats) and eventually grow a pair. Doing carpentry, maintaining a stable job, and growing a healthy beard admired by the human female population, can be good antidotes to counter the disadvantages of sharing life with a dog.

 

The alternatives to worshipping in flesh the human-canine symbiosis are getting a cat or getting a girlfriend. The latter is to be discarded immediately as an option, as cats are lazy, untrustworthy, and carry deadly diseases which are yet to be declassified from the archives of Area 51. Also, they are posers, and frankly speaking consider themselves superior to men --which is never a good idea for a companion. As for the girlfriend alternative, it is definitely better to make love to a woman than to a dog (please do NOT even try it you sick fuck) but, with the decriminalization of prostitution and the heaps of free porn available online, this disadvantage is decreasing at dizzying speed. Moreover, it is demonstrated that postmodernism has emasculated men at an astonishing speed so pretty soon the need to feel like a man via the humping of a woman will eventually disappear.

 

Potential future developments in the practice of doggism (a.k.a. worship of dogs as preferred human companion) cannot be brighter. In a post-truth world where Nietzsche basically screwed us all up by writing God's epitaph, loneliness and deception are set to increase, And with such prospects clearly ahead of us, the life choice of sharing one's existence with a dog is only more desirable.

 

 

 

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