Why is Communism so sexy?

Jeder nach seinen Fähigkeiten, jedem nach seinen Bedürfnissen

One day you're told that the land of your forefathers is at risk and that the only way of avoiding your wife and kids getting raped and killed is to fight. I doubt this generation of millennial sissies would do shit about it. However, there was a time when family, country, and those sorts of things meant something. So when this story was told to them, off they went to war; they grabbed their rifles and murdered their fellow men, losing limbs and mind in the process. When the homeland was safe and those men were allowed to return to the warmth of their homes and the loving embrace of their families, they did so not only as true heroes but also as builders of the land of the future. A place flowing with milk and honey, free of injustice, where each would contribute according to his ability and receive according to his needs.

And then, all of a sudden, without explanation, those same heroes were arrested.

In the middle of the night, when everyone gets petrified and becomes powerless at the roaring sound of stumping military boots, slamming of doors, and barking of orders, millions were snatched off their cozy, fluffy beds. This time, though, it wasn't to fight for the motherland. This time was to have cases fabricated against them, obtain confessions by subtle methods, like squeezing testicles with the soil of a rubber boot or depriving them of sleep for 1, 2 or 3 days. That sort of thing. And then, off they went to the gulag.

Yes, you read it right. To the gulag.


Repeat that word. First to yourself. In a whisper. Then louder. Now back in your head. What do you see? What images come to mind? Yes, that is precisely what a gulag was. A frozen, forced work camp, with meager food rations and subhuman conditions. A place where murder, maiming, rape, abuse, and humiliation were an everyday occurrence. And I am not talking about the type of abuse you are subjected to when someone uses on you the wrong pronoun or when your favorite Frappuccino™ flavor isn't available, you triggered snowflake. I am talking about real, tangible, excruciatingly painful abuse, with lots of blood involved. The type of abuse that marks your body for life and twists your mind in a way that you're ready to stab your fellow prisoner and eat his flesh. That is the type of place a gulag was.

For those who managed to survive while maintaining a bit of sanity, the gulag was also a place full of surprises. The first one was, of course, to discover that you weren't the only "error" of the system. Practically everybody there was an error! From the 70 year old babushka whose crime was to put aside half a kilogram of grain to have something to eat during the start of the winter, to the curious mind who could not resist getting his hands on a copy of a book which was considered subversive. And from the poor soul who had made the mistake of cracking a joke at the expense of a famous politician, to most commonly, the poor sod who had a friend he shouldn't have, most of the time a foreigner with "exotic" ideas. How was this possible? These were men and women who had risked their lives to defend the homeland! They were the very builders of paradise... a paradise that was now smashing their teeth, crushing their testicles, freezing and starving them.

Surely this is all fiction, right? No, not really. Read The Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.

B-but... surely this was... er... was it a mistake? Well, no, it wasn't. Every single time that communism has been tried the results are consistent. Soviet Union? Check, millions of murders, mostly "resettlements" or "subversives". China? Check! Millions of disloyal intellectuals and opponents offed. Cambodia? You got it, yeah, couple of million starved to death. Vietnam? North Korea? Rumania? Bulgaria? East Germany? Hungary? Yes. A-ha. Check. Right on. Sí. The estimates are between 70 and 100 million, actually. And that's not combatants, but old ladies, bespectacled nerds, and people who simply disagreed with the great leap forward that communist regimes were trying to achieve.

So, if all these horrors occur again and again, are well documented, and it is simply undeniable that this shit ends up in bloodshed and oppression, why, oh why, communism keeps mesmerizing so many people? There are many explanations, ranging from the psychological to the anthropological and through the biological and poetic. Damn, there are even ballets and operas composed on this very subject. Sometimes, the truth is not as complex, though.

Think about it for a sec. You wake up early in the morning. You have to take me for a walk and a pee. Can't even have a cup of coffee to wake up properly. Then you get into the bus, squeezed with dozen other slaves who burp and fart just like you, and on the way to work you realize that you owe your very soul to a dozen corporations. You owe to the bank, to Netflix™, to Amazon™, to Spotify™, to your family, to some shitty school were you weren't taught other than useless Foucault and modern dance. You can hardly get laid and only once in a while you can afford a decent prostitute that lets you motorboat her. When you get to work you remember how soul crushing it is to have some halfwitted idiot bark nonsense orders at you, and your job is, let's be honest, utter bullshit. A monkey could do it and, frankly, it has absolutely no grand impact on the future well-being of humankind. After hours of pretending to work in exchange for a few coins, you stop on the way home to buy some heavily colored and tweaked meals which only months ago had a tangential contact with nature, and you stuff your fat, wobbly body with all types of shit to numb yourself enough before you can watch some online porn, masturbate, go to sleep, and then start all over again. Until the day you die. Unimportant. Tired. Meaningless. Cancer-ridden.

Yet every now and then, your ugly nose glued to the screen of the smartphone or the laptop, you see those fat cats being corrupt and sneaky, pocketing heaps of cash, banging the hottest babes and driving speed boats. They rule the world, man. They know the right people and, most likely, they were born with the right parents. And you think to yourself "man this is fucking wrong", because those good for nothings are doing the lines of coke you can't afford and getting blowjobs from the models you masturbate to, and all they had to do was to be born or to be ruthless. And the resentment starts growing inside you. You can hear the bubbles. The steam is around you. There is a gap between you and them which makes your blood boil. They do nothing and they get all the chicks. You try and try and try, and yet you are and will always be a slave. A nobody.

That's when communism kicks in, bro. And, frankly speaking, you can grasp a bit what goes through the minds of those suckers who get vacuumed into it. It is demonstrated that humans don't dislike inequality but hate unfairness. And when a few have it all and the majority have nothing, and there's the perception that those who have don't deserve it, you can say it is natural to want to go full cossack, guns blazing, and rip the fat cigars off the mouths of those sons of bitches, start a kolkhoz, and Sovietly get some poontang.

So, let's fucking do it!

No, wait a sec. The problem is, well, as we've seen time and again. It. Does. Not. Work. It simply doesn't. Because, when all is said and done, the world is divided by nails and hammers, and if you happen to be a hammer, sure, you can climb to the top of the politburo and be a fat cat. But most of us are nails, and in a world of nails, the hammers will always have an orgy of hammering down everything that gets in their way. See what is going on with those shitty little pricks at the Western universities? Besides being a bunch of hypocrites, waving the hammer and sickle red flag at their demonstrations while wearing Levi's™ and Whatsapping on their iPhone™, those mother fuckers always end up behaving like Stalin. They start censoring people, forming gangs, silencing dissenters, ostracizing those who don't walk the party line, and always, ALWAYS, end up resorting to violence.

That's because *ahem* there are two types of hammers (and this is where psychology kicks in). There are the hammers who are just damn blunt. Those are the people who are (or become) plain evil, manipulative, resentful, cruel, and outright toxic. But then there are those, the majority, who are quite heavily into compassion. And when someone is heavy into compassion, everybody who looks like a victim becomes your little child who needs protection. Have you ever seen a lioness protecting her cubs? That cat is fucking mean, man. When you are utterly convinced that you are right, and that you and your poor little kittens are in danger, everything goes. So when you put together the evil hammers and the protective mummy hammers, what you get is a gulag. Every single fucking danger to that paradise you have built in your head should be destroyed.

So, yeah, cool, punch a nazi. But also, please, if you can, punch a communist. The only difference between two pieces of shit is... well, there's no difference.